Is it just me or you don’t really realise how drunk you are until you are in a bathroom alone???
my mom and i had another petty argument while we were watching tv. ive been really at the end of my rope with her lately, so i decided to just get my headphones and my notebook and sit at the kitchen table to write out my frustrations and listen to angry music. i audibly sobbed once, literally one sob, and then she practically threw the tissues at me. a bit later she stood in front of me and slapped the table i was sitting at to try to get my attention. first of all, she knows my in ear headphones are noise cancelling and that i /absolutely/ cannot hear anything while using them (esp if im fucking blasting deftones!!). second, she knows that when i’m writing and have my headphones in, that it’s my signal to be given space until i cool off.
a little while later i get up and notice she’s gone. it’s fucking 11:30 at night, and the last time i checked she was in pjs and getting ready to go to sleep. so i call her, and she answers immediately. (this is telling because she NEVER answers when i call her. this shows me she was waiting for my call.) i ask her where the fuck she went and she was like, “i went to stand under a streetlight for a while. i couldn’t sit there and be miserable and feel unsafe. i couldn’t sit there and listen to you cry.”
umm what? she continues, “i tried to tell you i was leaving but you ignored me. it’s not my fault that you ignored me.” i tell her to get the fuck home, that this isn’t funny. she tells me she’s not senile. i tell her i know, and that’s why i’m pissed.
she takes about 15 minutes to get home, and i open the door for her and she says, “can you let me in?” as if im blocking her path.
um. how the fuck do i deal with this. it feels like she physically doing her best to manipulate me. we’re growing further apart. the apartment were in is mine. the phone plan we share is mine. i choose not to argue with her and instead write in my notebook. is she scared? does she know i really don’t need her anymore? is she acting out to get my attention? what the fuck do i do? im just trying to live my life. im just trying to be independent. im not a therapist and i cant be terrified every second that shes going to be reckless just to get my attention.
when she got home she said she has nothing. i asked her if that was my fault, and she said yes, partially. how is it my fault that a grown woman has nothing. ive taken nothing from her. ive kept her from nothing. ive merely existed. she told me shes feels suffocated but now i cant even cry in my own home without her acting out. what do i do?!
"nah we can’t have female leads or characters of colour or gay characters or else our show will bomb"